It was a couples small group study when I first found my voice about being an introvert. Of the twelve or so people in the study, nine or ten were extroverts. Not surprising given that you need to be a bit of an extrovert to join a weekly small group.
We were going through a study on marriage and the author (an extrovert) had written about conflicts with his introverted wife. It led to an interesting conversation in our group, but one spouse in particular was upset at her husband because he was an introvert. “Just get over it” seemed to be her mantra, and his response was quiet submission.
At first this didn’t bother me. But it continued and grew in intensity. Finally, I had enough.
“Look,” I said, “his introverted ways annoy you. I get it. But at least he doesn’t stake his self-worth on being with others. He’s not putting lamp shades on his head and acting like an idiot extrovert who craves attention. He’s thoughtful rather than impulsive, focused rather than scattered. You need to realize that being an introvert is not a psychological flaw. It’s time for YOU to get over it.”
OK, maybe I wasn’t that clever. Nor that harsh. But I said something along those lines. It shocked everybody in the room (except D’Aun, who just got tense and wondered for the fifteen millionth time why she married me).
For decades I’ve been defending introverts. We live in a society that hyper values extroversion, from backslapping politicians to ultra competitive investment bankers. Academic institutions, management gurus, pop-psychologists, and most preachers espouse extroversion as the way to live. Organizations create whole cultures of extroversion. It’s carpe diem to the max and leave the thoughtful reflection to the slow.
Recently I heard about Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking
This is a great book. I immediately told the introverts in my family to read it. And I told the extroverts to read it so they’d understand us.
Some of the lines in the book made me laugh out loud. Cain’s critique of Saddleback Church was great. Her description of attending a Tony Robbins event was hilarious. The description of a visit to Harvard Business School, where they drank the extroversion Kool-Aid decades ago, was fantastic. Interviews with people from different cultures where introversion is more highly valued shot holes in countless leadership books (these are often written by the same people who hyperventilate about the joy of globalization; they fail to see their disconnect as they write books espousing American style leadership in a global community that views leadership very differently). And her modest appraisal of “teams” in both schools and the business world is the best covert criticism I’ve read yet (thank you, Susan…that alone was worth the price of the book).
And I learned something about myself. I’m an introvert who has a high self monitor, which allows me to act like an extrovert when the occasion calls for it. That’s why I can smile at you when I really prefer to go read a book. Don’t take it personally … I really do like you, I just don’t always have the energy for you.
But I don’t want you to misunderstand the purpose of this book. It is not an attack on extroverts. Cain explains that society needs both introverts and extroverts. Introverts who talk to extroverts will choose cheerier topics, find making conversation easier, and describe such conversations as a “breath of fresh air.” Extroverts who talk to introverts often feel they can relax more, they feel more free to confide problems, and don’t feel pressure to act falsely upbeat. We need each other to be whole. I love that image (says the introvert happily married to an extrovert).
If you are interested in how our society has created a culture of personality and bought into the myth of charismatic leadership, or how we find ourselves in the the midst of an economic crisis brought on by people who love high risk, or what the latest research tells us about nature vs nurture, or why your kid struggles in group projects at school, or why you hate the idea of joining a small group bible study at your church, or you just want to better understand your spouse, then you need to read this book.
Extroverts might not get it. But that’s okay. People like that are quickly distracted anyway, so I’ll just wait for them to bring it up in the next small group study.
