Two years ago I wrote a silly list of predictions for the coming year. It was so well received I decided to do it again last year. Now a tradition has started, so here are twelve predictions for 2014. By the way, be sure to click the links for further, um, information.
1. Edward Snowden will turn out to be a Cuban spy with strong connections in the Mossad. The NSA will hire Dan Brown to write a novel exposing Snowden. Batkid will be the hero.
2. Obama and Boughner will play golf together. Every news agency will show random pictures of the two politicians frowning at each other. Talking heads on television will provide hours of analysis of these pictures.
3. The Amazon drone delivery system will be upstaged by a Chinese drone that delivers their smoggy air.
4. In an amazing step forward in human history, the world will stop paying attention to narcissistic media divas, the geopolitical opinions of ex-atheletes, lobbyists calling for nanny-state legislation, and out of context news stories about absurd reactions by overly sensitive people. Hell freezes over and global climate change is reversed.
5. The bitcoin boom will continue and soon we will be able to virtually retire on this virtual currency. Unless, of course, you want a real income during retirement.
6. The top movie of the year will be about Pope Francis. George Clooney will star as a wise intergalactic Pope attempting to avoid space debris, with Sandra Bullock as a nervous Mother Superior.
7. The Dodgers will almost win the World Series. Confused about how to respond, half of Los Angeles will go to the beach, the other half will burn down Dodger Stadium, and Giants fans will sit smugly on their superior history.
8. It will eventually dawn on America that Obama’s health care plan does not cover affluenza. Sad but true.
9. Elon Musk will finally build the flying car we’ve all wanted since childhood. It will run in a tube on electricity and occasionally burst into flames, but it will be really really cool.
10. My son will invent a smoke detector that does not screech at 3 AM just because the batteries are low. He will become a billionaire and I’ll retire to manage his portfolio of antique video equipment.
11. My daughter will be on TV again. And again. And again.
12. Sadie will get a nice nap. And another. And another. Hey, I need to be right at least once!
