It’s the time of year to make my predictions for 2016. I have an amazing record of being right on these predictions, as you can tell by previous posts for 2012, 2013 and 2014. Of course I’m still waiting for a few things to happen…but no doubt they will in time.
Oh, and no, I didn’t make any predictions for 2015. I’m glad. It was a tough year for most of the world.
So here we go … my predictions for 2016:
– In a stunning series of events, the Republican leaders engineer a brokered convention and nominate Abraham Lincoln for President. Two hours later they realize he’s no longer living but figure he’s still a good candidate; at least they can control him and he has huge name recognition.
– Outraged by these shenanigans, Donald Trump runs as an independent. Bernie Sanders agrees to be his running mate.
– It’s close, but Lincoln gets just enough electorates to beat Clinton and Trump. South Carolina immediately secedes.
– Russian President Vladimir Putin is caught red handed stealing oil profits from the State owned company Gazprom. He appoints Donald Trump as an independent investigator to get to the bottom of it. Trump acquits him on an internationally televised special edition of The Apprentice.
– Terrorism continues (hey, I need to get one right). Americans continue to overreact even though the odds of being a victim of terrorism (one in 20,000,000) is far smaller than being hit by lightening (one in 700,000) or drowning in a swimming pool (one in 477,000).
– In the biggest trade in baseball history, the Dodgers exchange their 2016-18 television revenues for Mike Trout, Bryce Harper, Josh Donaldson, Lorenzo Cain, and Paul Goldschmidt. Overlooking the need for a bullpen and starting pitching, they lose in the first round of the playoffs. On a bunt single by Buster Posey, the Giants beat the Yankees and win the World Series.
– Oil drops to 74 cents a barrel. Saudi Arabia keeps pumping. Russia, Venezuela, North Dakota and Tesla declare bankruptcy. China buys all of them and turns them into iPhone factories.
– Fitbit is caught in a scandal as Edward Snowden reveals from his drab apartment in Russia that the device is actually a North Korean tracking system. It’s not true, but Sunday morning pundits go crazy.
– The Star Wars frenzy continues as Disney announces a Pirates of Jakku movie featuring Jack Sparrow as an intergalactic time traveler. Kim Kardashian is his love interest, but they are shot out of the sky by a really ticked off Daniel Craig in a tuxedo. Taylor Swift sings the soundtrack. I don’t believe a word of this but those names help boost readership.
– D’Oliva Olive Oil wins every international competition as the best olive oil on the planet. Italy threatens to nuke the grove, then realize they don’t have nukes, so they keep shipping sesame oil labeled as olive oil instead.
– My book debuts as the top seller on Amazon and stays on the NYTimes bestselling list for 12 weeks straight. Don’t believe it? Sign up here to get updates.
And those are my predictions for 2016. Hope your New Year is full of joy, hope, humor, and World Series tickets.