“The kind of trust that is necessary to build a great team is what I call vulnerability-based trust. This is what happens when members get to a point where they are completely comfortable being transparent, honest, and naked with one another, where they say and genuinely mean things like “I screwed up,” I need help,” “Your idea is better than mine,” “I wish I could learn to do that as well as you do,” and even, “I’m sorry.”
The quote above is from Patrick Lencioni’s book The Advantage, and it reminded me of something from thirty years ago.
D’Aun and I had started a study group for a dozen or so friends. We met in our home, and it had gone well for a couple of weeks, but there was still a bit of caution in the group dynamics. I liked these people — all of them — and wanted them to be friends that go deeper. I longed for more meaningful friendship.
So I took a risk. In the third meeting I was honest with the group and shared my struggles with sin, my temptations, and my fears. I was matter of fact about all this — if you know me then you know I’m not the blubbering emotional type even when I probably should be. Still, I was transparent and authentic when such words were not commonly used to define relationships.
It was one of the smartest decisions I ever made. Not only did this group better understand me, they opened up about their own challenges. The conversation went from politely interesting to truly meaningful and deep.
Three decades later I’m still in touch with those folks and all of us still trust each other. Even when we have differences (which is common) there is mutual respect and love.
The men and women in the group have experienced a lot — raising children into adults, moving across the country, divorce, unemployment, cancer, deconstructing faith, addictions … the list could go on. But throughout it all, there was trust among friends. And it all began with vulnerability.
Lencioni wrote for a business book, but the advice is true in any relationship. If you want to build trust, become vulnerable. Especially if you are a leader. My stepping out to be vulnerable in that small group was transformative for me, for D’Aun, and for our friends.